Sup Curbside readers!
I haven't done a post like this in a long time. The last one I did was about the need for feminism in the Youtube Beauty Community, which you can check out HERE. I also did a "Lauren Gets Deep" video about the topic on my Youtube channel which you can view HERE.
Moving on.
Today I'm going to be explaining why I will NO LONGER be putting up "how-to" videos for weight loss on my Youtube channel. That doesn't mean I won't make a "fitness tips" video in the future, but I will no longer be instructing people on how to lose weight (I will get to this later).
**** If anyone has questions about my weight loss, I will refer them to this post. Thank you!****
---The Intro---
As many of you may know, I have shared my weight loss journey on Youtube with you all for over 2 years now. Overall, I've lost around 50 lbs and I'm in the process now of still getting toned. 50 lbs may be nothing compared to what you might want to lose, but it was a big deal for me so I'm not going to belittle my accomplishment. There have been highs and lows, but overall I'm pretty satisfied. I posted a few videos on Youtube explaining my journey/how to lose weight, but now I am taking most- if not all of them down.
Why?
Why?
1. There are numerous amounts of spam being attracted to them and I can no longer filter them out.
2. I feel as if it's problematic for some (not all) viewers to sensationalize my journey and think that it's less/more than it is. I also don't want to promote eating disorders.
So let me explain.
(May this picture of a 12 year old me forever remain on the internet. Best $20 on the block. )
---Binge Eating---
Ever since I was about eight years old, I had been overweight. It wasn't really until puberty (the glory days show above) that it really started to affect me emotionally. To top it off, I went to a very small school and was automatically singled out for being different, which sucked. Girls would gossip about me, and guys would poke fun at me and/or ignore me. During that same time, I had some family issues that led me into my depression, literally feeding a new binge eating disorder. It has taken me a long time to accept that I did (and still do) struggle with an eating disorder. I only recently discovered that I had/have this disorder, so that is another reason why I'm taking down my weight loss videos. I don't talk about my disorder (because when I filmed them I didn't recognize it), therefore the videos are more simple in context than they should be. Losing weight while having an eating disorder is a very delicate process.
Back to the story. I decided during the summer of sophomore year to make an effort to get out of my depression and help my self confidence by deciding to lose weight.
Back to the story. I decided during the summer of sophomore year to make an effort to get out of my depression and help my self confidence by deciding to lose weight.
(***Watch E4's My Mad Fat Diary, pretty much explains all the feelings you have with binge eating disorders - plus it's hilarious***)
(The summer before my major weight gain, 2009)
---Motivation ---
I lost weight for me. Cue the eye rolls, I know. It's easy to get motivated by having short term goals: going on vacation, squeezing into a dress, getting fit for a guy/girl, etc. But when it comes down to it, you have to do it for yourself. You have to LOVE your body and treat it with respect. This means NO crash diets. I had to control my binge eating disorder while I was at it as well. When you lose weight in a long span of time, you change the way you live and the way you think. This is a radical lifestyle change. If you want to lose weight, you have to radically change how you live.
---Psychology Behind Losing Weight---
Here is another thing: I often get questions online about how I did it. Those questions usually come with appraisal, telling me how much "better" I look, etc. Now I know these questions and compliments are innocent with good intent but to be honest, after a while some of them started to make me upset. Was I really that detestable before? Is the only way to be desirable by losing weight? I'll come back to this stuff later in The Aftermath, but for now I'm going to give you the secret.
(Me almost at my peak, sophomore year 2010)
---The Secret is that there is no Secret---
(How to lose weight)
(How to lose weight)
Diet and excercise. Your gym teacher told you it, now I'm going to tell you it. When I was at the peak of my weightloss, I worked out probably 5 days a week, doing HIT (High Intensity Training), and running at least 2 miles. If you need some structure, try workout DVDs (Jillian Micheals 10/10). But it all comes down to running/cardio.
***Talk to your doctor, especially if you are obese or have joint pains before losing weight***
(They are SUPER helpful. You will get loads of pamphlets that are actually useful. Just do it. )
For your diet, eat clean. Stick to fruits and vegetables, protein, whole grains, etc. Now I know not everyone has a Whole Foods store in their refrigerator, so get a job and spend some of your money on your own groceries if you are living at home with an unhealthy family. Or simply just make use with what you have. Splurging is okay, just make sure you really savor it. It changes the way you think about food.
(Me during my weight loss, junior year a.k.a. when I started Youtube, looking like I'm over it)
---The Aftermath + Dating---
The last year of high school and onwards (after a majority of my weight loss), I started to get more attention from guys (and interestingly enough, hate from the girls as well). Let me be clear: this was all new to me. By the time college came around, I'd have to sit around listening to guys joke about big chicks, and bite my tongue (regret going that) . My former roommate actually got mad at me for not persuing those same guys because they were apparently interested in me (another issue).
Here's the deal: dating after weightloss can be easy, or hard. For me, it's hard to trust anyone who I meet because I know a majority of them wouldn't have even talked to me if I was still in the state that I was in. I know that if I ever date, I will have to tell them all of what I've gone through, and how I struggle to find decency in some men today because I know what it's like to be on both ends of the spectrum: overweight (non desireable) and not overweight (desireable). That feeling SUCKS. So yes, I wait for the ones who are genuine (a rare breed, no doubt). Some people jump into the dating scene after losing weight and have no problems. This is just my take.
(Didn't think about the pizza/orange drink when I uploaded this full body picture. You get the point nonetheless.)
Here's the deal: dating after weightloss can be easy, or hard. For me, it's hard to trust anyone who I meet because I know a majority of them wouldn't have even talked to me if I was still in the state that I was in. I know that if I ever date, I will have to tell them all of what I've gone through, and how I struggle to find decency in some men today because I know what it's like to be on both ends of the spectrum: overweight (non desireable) and not overweight (desireable). That feeling SUCKS. So yes, I wait for the ones who are genuine (a rare breed, no doubt). Some people jump into the dating scene after losing weight and have no problems. This is just my take.
---Society's Standards vs. My Own---
The biggest reason why I'm not talking about weight loss anymore is because there is so much shame involving the issue. I enjoy the fact that we are going through a health/green revolution, but this does not mean that we should shame those who are overweight and obese. If they want to lose weight, they can. If they don't, they wont. I am still a huge proponent for working out and eating well for the body and mind, but not for society's standards. Theres a difference between getting healthy, and getting skinny.
I also didn't quite realize the severity of my disorder like I mentioned earlier, especially when I'd make videos about how to lose weight on Youtube. I now feel that the matter is too deep for me to even touch on fully. You see, Youtube acts as this illusion. Like you can become the person you are watching as long as you follow everything they say - but that isn't true. My body is different than yours, my motivation is different than yours, my past is different than yours, and my weight loss is different than yours. It doesn't mean that I won't support you, it just means that I cannot give you all of the answers. Its a personal journey, so get personal with it.
(Me and my main B, Courtney!)
I'm still in the process of getting a healthier body and mind, but that process is my own. Your compliments about my body are appreciated, but not needed (:D) . Thank you so much to everyone out there who has supported me, and to those who understand where I'm coming from with this post.
Much love, and stay healthy!
-Lauren Rose
Curbside Fashion
